Ouch!

Ouch! is an Eyesonff member with a rich and vibrant history, so take some time with me and let us take a little stroll down memory lane, back before all the glamour and glory, back before he took those first steps into the uncharted regions of cyberspace, before he set off on his famous voyage across the Atlantic. Back to when he was just a young boy.

Ouch! Was born in a small rural community to the south of Jos Nigeria. It was a turbulent time for the small town as the scattered remains of the old Nazi regime had began to come together in this remote backwater village. Now, Ouch!, or Pinocchio (his birth name) lived in peace for the first three weeks of his promising life, but Pinocchio seemed to be born under an unlucky star. At the time, a power struggle had been taking place within the New Nazi’s headcounters, and it was only a matter of time until someone made a desperate move.

This move was made by one Professor Thorton. Thorton, at the time infamous for his experiments on human genetics, united the currently leaderless Nazi’s by brutally executing his three main competitors before marching on the town. Thorton lead the march, leaving a path of destruction in his wake, it was during this brutal and bloody march that Thorton first noticed Pinocchio for his advanced healing factor. As his parents were fleeing with there son, Thorton noticed many small scrapes on the boys body quickly fading away. Luckily, Pinocchio’s parents managed to escape the town before Thorton laid hands on the boy. Thorton soon thereafter renamed the small group on Nazis… Weapon X.

Pinocchio was first sent to the States on a small transport ship carrying massive shipments of tea from England.

While going though the immigration process, the boys name was accidentally written as Ouch! on his official forms, many wonder how this mistake was made, among the many rumors surrounding the incident is the story that the name was blamed on a stubbed toe, while the lady whom was filling his papers asked Pinocchio his name, people think he stubbed his toe on an old model record player that some carpenter had foolishly left laying around. Pinocchio exclaimed in pain and the rest… is history.

After the exciting early years there was quite a lull in activity for the young man. Very few know that Ouch! famous for his many advances in the field of advanced atomic manipulation (being the first to successfully split an atom) failed his fifth grade science class.

In the ninth grade Ouch! reportedly had a bit of a tiff with his parents over the pronunciation of caramel and ran away from home. After living on his own for two weeks he was picked up by a traveling circus were he made money by cleaning up after and bathing the animals, (also the bearded lady) until one of his fellow carnies noticed his unusual dexterity. It was here were he was first introduced to the flying trapeze, many of you may remember the blockbuster movie based off of the famous trapezes artist “They Painful Flyer”. So it goes without saying that he took to the art like Dolentrean took to being awesome.

By the time he was sixteen Ouch! was forced to leave the carnival after Thorton and the Weapon X program tracked Ouch! down. It was here that they held Ouch! until they deemed him old enough to undergo an experimental surgery that would bind the unbreakable Adamantium metal to his bones, turning Ouch! into the worlds most lethal killing machine. Or it would have been if by not some stroke of genius Ouch! managed to hack out of his advanced holding cell with nothing more than the old style game boy that he had been given as entertainment.

After this Ouch! had a short lived fling with Selma Hyack that he was forced to break after Selma began planning a wedding after only three weeks, and as Ouch! has said before “Hey, I love all women, it just wouldn’t be fair to only love one.” He then moved on to pursue other interests. Not much is known during this part of his history, but in more modern times Ouch! resurfaced and proceeded to sail across the Atlantic Ocean with nothing but a kiddie pool and a box of Hot Pockets.

It was after this that he took an interest in the internet and stumbled upon Eyesonff while looking for disturbing Final Fantasy porn.

• Best Writer - Mid Year Ciddies 2009
• Best Writer — End of Year Ciddies 2008